What I am Thankful For
Last year I wrote a post on Thanksgiving about what I was thankful for. To continue the tradition I thought it would be interesting to reflect on this year as well...
*An hour passes*
That’s it. That’s all I wrote. And then I just froze. I sat, and waited searching for something big to come to me. Crickets... Come on, I must be thankful for something! I have friends, family, my health, a home, and a cat. I have clothes to wear, food to eat, books to read, candles to burn. Isn’t that enough? Yes, all those things make me happy on a daily basis, and I, of course, appreciate all of them, but there has to be something else. Something very special, something that inspires and becomes your light to move forward. What is it and where is it hiding?
My friend the other day sent me text saying that she is feeling very low. And then she immediately started blaming herself, because “other people have it worse”. As if she isn’t allowed to feel down since she has a job, a nice apartment and a loving family. That’s bullshit. You are allowed to feel what you feel. Of course, some people have it worse, some wouldn’t be able to have a hot meal this Thanksgiving, while others will spend the holiday in a warm family circle. But just because someone has it worse than you shouldn’t feel guilty for being unhappy in the current moment.
I am not a fan of positive thinking. If you repeat 50 times “I am happy” that will probably not make you actually happy. If you think that children are starving in Africa, and you are eating lunch right now, so you should be thankful that you aren’t starving, I think you are just fooling yourself. Personal happiness is not about comparing. It’s about digging deep and finding that happiness for yourself.
So what about me? This year has been a true roller coaster. I got diagnosed with depression and completely lost track. Most of my attempts to get back up have remained unfinished, and I feel very stuck in one place at the moment. I know people usually don’t like to talk about things like that. But we are all human, we have our ups and downs, although we only tend to show only positive moments. It’s okay to be sad, feel lost, fall and get back up, or just lay on the floor for a while and wait it out. Because time passes, and in one way or another things will start changing.
So there. This is what I’m thankful for the most right now. Time. It won’t ask you whether you want it to move forward or not. And if you are sad, lonely or disappointed, think that time will eventually take you to a point where you won’t feel those things. Because you’ve already been there before, so that place already exists. Time heals. I really believe in that.
Photography: Kristen Stewart